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How to Say No & Break Free From People Pleasing

How to say no: Break free from people-pleasing by setting healthy boundaries, understanding your needs, and confidently saying no, without guilt.

It’s hard to say “no”

It can be hard to say “no”, especially when you’re used to saying yes all the time. But constantly putting others’ needs before your own can leave you feeling all kinds of bad. Not sure if you really have an issue with people pleasing and saying no? Here are some symptoms:

  • Feeling drained 
  • Burnout 
  • Feeling stressed out
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Having resentment
  • Changes in mood 
  • Lack of relationship boundaries
  • Emotionally exhausted
  • Anxiety and overthinking
 

You may find yourself feeling overwhelmed, mentally and physically exhausted, frustrated by those you’re trying to help, and overthinking about every situation.  When you feel super anxious when saying no to your commitments and turning someone down, you may be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing.

black woman pondering saying no while looking at her coffee cup

Why can't I say no?

Disappointing Others

Worrying about letting others down or fearing the disappointment of others can create that discomfort of saying no. When you have a ton of people relying on you, you may have been put into a position where others expect things of you.  This is where boundaries may have started to erode and when it can feel like you’ve lost your autonomy.

Avoidance

Avoidance of saying no can become a habit that is hard to break. It’s not just avoiding saying no, it’s avoiding the potential fallout.  What will people think about me if I say no? What does it mean about me if I say no? What bad thing will happen if I say no?  Will everything fall apart if I say no?  Maybe one or more of these questions resonates with you. The problem with avoidance is that the concern typically begins to grow, the more we avoid it – this is where the negative symptoms of people pleasing begin to show up.

Need for Acceptance

The pursuit of validation and approval are common, and often stem from a lack of support in the formative years as a child. Often people who don’t get the emotional support, praise, encouragement or acknowledgement as a child end up seeking it in unhealthy ways as an adult. This leads to the belief that if you say “yes” to everything people will like you more.  It is true, some people will really like spending time with a person who does not say no very often, but instead of the love and acceptance you crave, you may end up being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and even lose respect from others. 

How People Pleasing Is Born

As discussed briefly above, your struggle to say no can have its roots in childhood experiences. Your relationship with your parents or caregivers has a direct impact on how you relate with others in your life, family, relationships, and work. 

Unmet psychological needs can leave you craving validation and emotional closeness in unhelpful ways. You may have learned as a child that:

  1. Love and attention is earned by constantly helping, or
  2. By being perfect you’re worthy of love.
 

These thought patterns can make you feel totally helpless when the love you needed as a child isn’t met by the people you’re saying yes to all the time.  This constant chase for love and wirthiness is usually never met by people pleasing and only leads to more paid.  

This is why it’s not only crucial to learn to set boundaries and prioritize yourself, but recognize the root of your people pleasing and get some professional support to heal.

woman holding the words "no" in her hand. - trying to stop people pleasing.

Aimee’s Story

Aimee grew up with very busy parents. Her father worked in the city in a corporate job so got home around 9pm every night, always too tired to really engage. Her mother suffered from depression and mood issues, creating limitations around how much Aimee was able to truly connect with her parents.  

Aimee was always trying to be perfect to earn her parents’ love and attention. She worked at this by trying to get straight A’s or by doing extra chores without being asked.

As she got older, she carried this need to please others into her adult life. She would rarely say no to her friends or boyfriend who wanted things from her.  Constantly saying yes to everyone’s requests drained her but she didn’t really know why she felt drained. Every time Aimee tried to say no, guilt hit her hard, making her feel like she was letting people down. It was a vicious cycle. 

Despite her exhaustion, Aimee did not know how to say no.  It was not in her vocabulary and it almost became like a life and death matter, to her subconscious. She had to keep putting others first to feel loved and accepted. Saying no was not an option.

Releasing guilt

Feeling guilty can be the hardest part of saying no, but feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Guilt can be a natural response, especially if you’ve been used to always saying yes.

Remember, boundaries are a sign of self-respect. When you say “no”, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about others. It just means you care about yourself too.

Talking to a therapist can help you navigate that initial discomfort of learning to say no, as you redefine your priorities. It can be a freeing experience once you get over the hump.

With practice and patience, the guilt will lessen and you’ll become more comfortable prioritizing your personal boundaries and well-being.

How to Change & Say No to people pleasing

If you’re tired of trying to make everyone happy, here’s how you can start saying no, and begin to break the cycle of people-pleasing.

1.) Know Your Needs

Take some time to think about what makes you feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled. Understanding which of your own emotional and physical needs is most important to you. When you’re clear about what you need, it’s easier to express these needs and say no to others without feeling guilty.

2.) Set Your Priorities

Think about what really matters to you in your relationships. What are the things you can’t compromise on? Knowing your values and priorities will help you make decisions about when you can say “yes” and when you need to say “no.” This way, you can say no with confidence and reap the benefits.

The phrase "little by little" for learning to set boundaries and say no

3.) Practice Saying “No”

It’s okay to say no.  It doesn’t make you a bad person!

Saying no is simply a way of taking care of yourself. You don’t need to explain yourself or over-apologize. A simple “I can’t do that right now” is enough. If you’re afraid that people won’t understand your new self, you can also tell a trusted friend or certain people in your life that you’re working on yourself and having better boundaries so you can be healthier  and less stressed.  

You might get pushback when you start saying no, but with practice, it will get easier for you (and for them!).

4.) Think Before You Commit

Before saying “yes” to any request, take a moment to reflect.

  1. Assess the request: Do I have the time, energy, and resources to take this on? Is this time sensitive or can I do this later? Is the person asking taking advantage of my kindness?
  2. Do I really want to help? Be honest with yourself. Are you agreeing because you feel guilty or afraid of rejection? Or do you genuinely want to help? 
Woman with eyes closed looking toward the sub - how she feels after saying "no"

Next Steps on your journey

Learning to say no is an important step toward protecting your mental health. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person – it shows that you are valuing your own needs and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. It can lead to more energy, a better mood, more happiness, and stronger, more authentic relationships in the long run.

If you would like expert help with this issue, reach out for a free consultation call with one of our therapists.

FreeMind Therapy offers counselling in BC, counselling in Ontario, across Canada and internationally. Take the next step and get help, therapy works!
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