It can be hard to say “no”, especially when you’re used to saying yes all the time. But constantly putting others’ needs before your own can leave you feeling all kinds of bad. Not sure if you really have an issue with people pleasing and saying no? Here are some symptoms:
You may find yourself feeling overwhelmed, mentally and physically exhausted, frustrated by those you’re trying to help, and overthinking about every situation. When you feel super anxious when saying no to your commitments and turning someone down, you may be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing.
Worrying about letting others down or fearing the disappointment of others can create that discomfort of saying no. When you have a ton of people relying on you, you may have been put into a position where others expect things of you. This is where boundaries may have started to erode and when it can feel like you’ve lost your autonomy.
Avoidance of saying no can become a habit that is hard to break. It’s not just avoiding saying no, it’s avoiding the potential fallout. What will people think about me if I say no? What does it mean about me if I say no? What bad thing will happen if I say no? Will everything fall apart if I say no? Maybe one or more of these questions resonates with you. The problem with avoidance is that the concern typically begins to grow, the more we avoid it – this is where the negative symptoms of people pleasing begin to show up.
The pursuit of validation and approval are common, and often stem from a lack of support in the formative years as a child. Often people who don’t get the emotional support, praise, encouragement or acknowledgement as a child end up seeking it in unhealthy ways as an adult. This leads to the belief that if you say “yes” to everything people will like you more. It is true, some people will really like spending time with a person who does not say no very often, but instead of the love and acceptance you crave, you may end up being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and even lose respect from others.
As discussed briefly above, your struggle to say no can have its roots in childhood experiences. Your relationship with your parents or caregivers has a direct impact on how you relate with others in your life, family, relationships, and work.
Unmet psychological needs can leave you craving validation and emotional closeness in unhelpful ways. You may have learned as a child that:
These thought patterns can make you feel totally helpless when the love you needed as a child isn’t met by the people you’re saying yes to all the time. This constant chase for love and wirthiness is usually never met by people pleasing and only leads to more paid.
This is why it’s not only crucial to learn to set boundaries and prioritize yourself, but recognize the root of your people pleasing and get some professional support to heal.
Aimee grew up with very busy parents. Her father worked in the city in a corporate job so got home around 9pm every night, always too tired to really engage. Her mother suffered from depression and mood issues, creating limitations around how much Aimee was able to truly connect with her parents.
Aimee was always trying to be perfect to earn her parents’ love and attention. She worked at this by trying to get straight A’s or by doing extra chores without being asked.
As she got older, she carried this need to please others into her adult life. She would rarely say no to her friends or boyfriend who wanted things from her. Constantly saying yes to everyone’s requests drained her but she didn’t really know why she felt drained. Every time Aimee tried to say no, guilt hit her hard, making her feel like she was letting people down. It was a vicious cycle.
Despite her exhaustion, Aimee did not know how to say no. It was not in her vocabulary and it almost became like a life and death matter, to her subconscious. She had to keep putting others first to feel loved and accepted. Saying no was not an option.
Feeling guilty can be the hardest part of saying no, but feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Guilt can be a natural response, especially if you’ve been used to always saying yes.
Remember, boundaries are a sign of self-respect. When you say “no”, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about others. It just means you care about yourself too.
Talking to a therapist can help you navigate that initial discomfort of learning to say no, as you redefine your priorities. It can be a freeing experience once you get over the hump.
With practice and patience, the guilt will lessen and you’ll become more comfortable prioritizing your personal boundaries and well-being.
If you’re tired of trying to make everyone happy, here’s how you can start saying no, and begin to break the cycle of people-pleasing.
Take some time to think about what makes you feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled. Understanding which of your own emotional and physical needs is most important to you. When you’re clear about what you need, it’s easier to express these needs and say no to others without feeling guilty.
Think about what really matters to you in your relationships. What are the things you can’t compromise on? Knowing your values and priorities will help you make decisions about when you can say “yes” and when you need to say “no.” This way, you can say no with confidence and reap the benefits.
It’s okay to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad person!
Saying no is simply a way of taking care of yourself. You don’t need to explain yourself or over-apologize. A simple “I can’t do that right now” is enough. If you’re afraid that people won’t understand your new self, you can also tell a trusted friend or certain people in your life that you’re working on yourself and having better boundaries so you can be healthier and less stressed.
You might get pushback when you start saying no, but with practice, it will get easier for you (and for them!).
Before saying “yes” to any request, take a moment to reflect.
Learning to say no is an important step toward protecting your mental health. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person – it shows that you are valuing your own needs and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. It can lead to more energy, a better mood, more happiness, and stronger, more authentic relationships in the long run.
If you would like expert help with this issue, reach out for a free consultation call with one of our therapists.
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