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Dating Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style? Here’s What You Need To Know

Have you ever felt as if your partner is pulling away for no reason? Find out why, and the 3 simple things you can do to shift it.
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Is your partner suddenly not into you? they might just have avoidant attachment style!

Are you wondering your partner has an avoidant attachment style? Maybe your relationship started out with fireworks – amazing chemistry and you may have even started talking about your future together. 

Then suddenly, out of the blue, you’re doubting things. They aren’t texting at the same frequency, they are very busy with work now, and they aren’t initiating time together like before. 

This has probably been painful or triggered anxiety for you. That sense of security has been destabilized and you’re now doing the relationship tango at arm’s length.

You’ve probably started wondering “do they even like me anymore?”, or ” have I done something wrong?”, or “where do we stand in this relationship… what are we?”. 

You may have questioned if you were now being too needy and started feeling insecure in your relationship. If any of this hits home, you may be dealing with an avoidant partner, with an avoidant attachment style. 

avoidant attachment

From the perspective of an Avoidant

So, how do you know if your partner has an avoidant attachment style? At first, Jess didn’t know either. 

Jess was a hopeless romantic who started dating an old friend Kaleb from her high school reunion. They texted up until bedtime most nights, spent every weekend together for a month, shared personal details about their past, and started talking about their future together. 

But after a romantic weekend away together, Jess started noticing Kaleb was texting less and less, eventually leading to days between replies. 

Jess started questioning herself, wondering what she may have done wrong.  She dreaded the thought of the relationship ending and waited on the edge of her seat for his next text, hoping she’d get to see him again soon. When Jess brought up how he felt about the relationship, Kaleb claimed everything was “fine”, and that he wanted to be with her. Jess continued to check in with Kaleb, ask to hang out and texted more than he did. But the more she pushed, the colder Kaleb seemed. A classic sign of a partner with avoidant attachment style.

 

What causes avoidant attachment style?

Everyone has an attachment style. It is formed from the time of infancy and into early childhood. The four attachment styles are Avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, disorganized attachment, and secure attachment.

There are also sub-types to these such as dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, shutdown avoidant, and functional avoidant.

Avoidant attachment style is typically caused by the following early childhood situations:

  • Emotion unavailable caregivers
  • Unpredictable home environment
  • Emotionally dismissive Parent
  • Emotional needs consistently unmet, ignored, or minimized.
  • Unable to seek help or support reliably or without rejection or belittlement
  • Physically unavailable caregiver due to extended illness or out of the home due to work or other reasons
  • Caregivers who were intrusive or disrespected boundaries
  • An environment where performance or achievement was valued more than love and connection.
Couples Therapy and avoidant attachment style

Spotting the Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

Couple walking together

If you resonate with Jess’s experience of frustration and confusion, consider these common signs of avoidant partners.

  • Avoids closeness: You notice that it’s hard to “reach them” emotionally. Like an invisible force field around them prevents that emotional connection.
  • Emotional triggers: Your partner quickly withdraws when emotionally triggered, closing themselves off to further discussion.
  • Hyper-independent: An avoidant partner may possess a strong sense of self-reliance, rarely acknowledging their need for assistance.
  • Fear of losing control: You may notice them shutting down in highly emotional or unpredictable situations. 
  • Judgment: An avoidant partner may tend to hold an inflated sense of self and readily pass judgment on you or others.
  • Emotional expression: An avoidant partner may have difficulty expressing emotion, intimacy, or vulnerability in the relationship.
  • Invalidates your concerns: An avoidant attachment style may lead to pushing their partner away or cut ties altogether when you express concerns, rather than addressing them constructively.

How to deal with my avoidant partner

Alright, now that you’re armed with knowledge, let’s talk about managing this relationship rodeo. If you’re the partner of someone with an avoidant attachment style, here’s how to ride the waves:

  1. Love & Patience: If your partner has an avoidant attachment style, it is crucial to create a safe space for them to feel secure and respected in the relationship. Give them time to open up and express their emotions, and try not to pressure them into discussing things they might not be ready to share.
  1. Clear Communication: Open and honest communication is critical with an avoidant partner. Actively listen to your partner’s concerns. With an avoidant attachment style, they might not be as forthcoming with their emotions, making it seem like they may not even have them.  In reality, they can be quite triggered by emotions from others or from within themselves. Be understanding & encourage them to share at their own pace.
  1. Seek Professional Help: Seeking professional guidance, like couples counselling or individual therapy, can be incredibly helpful. A trained therapist can provide tools and techniques to help you navigate the challenges you have with your avoidant partner and promote a deeper understanding between the two of you and of avoidant attachment style.

So, What Next?

Always remember that an avoidant attachment style constitutes just one piece of your partner’s broader emotional landscape. It’s not about assigning blame, but rather fostering understanding, empathy, and personal development. 

So as you navigate your partner’s avoidant attachment style, the path toward forging deeper connections is worth every step taken. 

Consider working with a couple’s therapist to support your next steps. Working with an experienced provider in attachment therapy can help take the weight off of you trying to figure it all out on your own. 

We’re here to help you make sense of your avoidant attachment patterns and work together to set you on a fulfilling journey of exploration and growth. Start your new journey today. 

Happy couple
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